When I Speak

When I lift my voice and shout

Every wall comes crashing down

I have the authority

Jesus has given me

When I open up my mouth

Miracles start breaking out

I have the authority

Jesus has given me

I am fully humbled once again as I realize how much authority and power the words I speak out of my mouth have. 

Truly Jesus has given us power, authority that when we speak out we declare things, we make space for Him to move, we prophesy, we glorify Him. 

To sing with abandon, to shout with exuberance. 

To weep on my knees, to speak His promises.

To dance in His presence, to lift my eyes to heaven.

Jesus owes me nothing and yet He gives, every single day He gives.

What can I give to share His hope and love to the world?

I have encountered His love, His grace, His mercies anew every morning. 

He has met me in the lowest valley. He has stood on the mountain tops with me. 

I can give with my mouth, my words can I speak and write and share.

The words I am given, the words that I have learned.

Words of life. Words of hope. Of light.

Words that wash over wounds, envelop the lonely, welcome the stranger, share the testimony and above all glorify His name above all others. 

hope in the wild.

life goes from sunset lit evenings to dark, thunder and lightning moments in the blink of an eye.
it’s easy sailing, and then you suddenly feel lost in the waves.
tossed.
wildly looking for direction.
for hope.

And at the ends of what is broken,
you will find endless grace
to remind you there is peace
in this wild and unknown place.

-- Morgan Harper Nichols

there is peace through the storm. hope in the wild.

when I encounter storms in life, i am reminded what it means to relinquish control. in other words, to give up the control I try to have over my life and instead, give it to Jesus.

i love being in control. it’s like a safety mechanism. the more crazy life gets, the more i want to know what’s going on, where i am going, why i am where i am and so on.
i try to grab hold of more areas of my life that i wrestled over in the past. things i had to lay down to Jesus, intentionally give to Him and then let go of.

control. i don’t know why it feels secure to be “in control”.
it’s not what Jesus calls me to live out. it’s the opposite of laying down my life to find it in Him. it’s hindering, a holding back from freedoms joy.

for so many years i have fought with myself. do i want Jesus to truly be Lord of e v e r y aspect of my life, or just “comfortable” ones?
i always come to a conclusion of wanting to say yes and feeling lacking in courage to stand up to my own stubborn selfish pride and say it out loud to myself, my heart, my mind.

i am realizing more and more that the more i leave it for another time, when i have '“less” to do and “more” time to spend on processing this, then, that i will say the overarching yes that encompasses my life in one word.

yes. i say it over and over daily, in little moments, even in bigger moments. but the biggest y e s , second to making a big space in mylife for Him to be King and God, is still in the process, is still to be said loud, instead of a whisper.

through the storms, the waves that seem to toss me, i want to let the undeniable love of Jesus be the reason I cling to hope.

the fact that hope even exists is the reason we keep learning to trust Him. we find hope in that we will meet Him face to face. we find hope in that the hard seasons will end. we find hope in eternal life and fellowship with the Lord of all. we find hope in that we can be satisfied completely by Him. we find hope in that we are truly loved, seen, heard and valued. we are trusted and precious to the heart of our Creator.

don’t loose sight of hope in the wild of life. wilderness is a season and a time to grow with His living water nourishing you. rely on Him. He is the compass, the roadmap and the ultimate source of wisdom.

be hopeful, even in the dark and uncertain places of the wild.

be brave in the wild. walk with boldness and confidence as a warrior walks in battle, fearless because we have already won.

hope.

hope in the wild.

{written on July 13th, 2019}

Photographs by Christy Gerlach

Slowing Down My Steps / A Glimpse At Photography My Journey

Sometimes I just get frustrated so easily by what I see. 

Sometimes I just can't seem to see things in a positive light. 

Sometimes I forget to notice how far I have come. 

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed with life.

I'd like to share a part of my story with you, one that I didn't plan to share but that came up through the past few weeks as I lived life. I was reminded of this part of my life simply by choosing to slow my mental and physical pace a little and open my eyes to my surroundings. This is my hope in sharing this, that you will realize that there is immense beauty to be found in slowing down our steps to see the intricate way ordinary things and places have impacted us and become a part of the stepping stones that got us here.

It didn't come at me like a wave of realization. It came in small whispers of the wind causing the grass to dance and the wildflowers to bow their heads under the pressure. It came late at night when I couldn't sleep and I lay in the dark wondering why nights seemed endlessly long. 

A few weeks ago my family and I made a trip out to my Nana's land. It is a rugged place, adjacent to national grasslands, covered in cactus, mesquite trees and fossilized sea shells. The ground is basically solid rock, and everything that grows there is tough and hardy. The land is based on a large bluff, overlooking the countryside to the west. It is an incredible spot to watch sunsets, observe storms rolling in and enjoy fireworks on the fourth of July. Everything is wild and beautiful in its own way as strong winds batter the landscape almost daily and weather seems all the more extreme at a slightly higher elevation than the rest of the area. 

The amount of wildflowers that bloom here are more numerous than anywhere else I know in this area. The front lawn becomes a giant sea of bright blue every spring as Texas bluebonnets spread more and more every year. I missed seeing them this year, but the size of the patch of plants seeding right now is bigger than I have ever seen it and I cannot wait to see how it continues to grow.

This is where a part of my journey "took off" without me realizing it.

The memory is one of those ones you just can't forget. The feeling of holding a dslr digital camera in my hands for the first time, and traipsing from trees to flowers to grass in search of new perspectives and intricate details to capture. I learned how to use a camera to get the photographs I envisioned in my head, and it brought a sense of joy in creating that put photography on a whole new level from the point and shoot little cameras I'd been used to.

I learned, unknowingly, what style of photography I liked, how to blur backgrounds in camera and how to position myself to get the right light on my subject. 

No one taught me, I just hung the camera around my neck nearly every time I stepped outdoors and clicked and clicked and clicked that shutter. My siblings grew tired of my endless photographing them and having a camera smooshed in my face, but I let those comments go over my head and kept at it.

The lookout from the bluff. It's so mesmerizing. The wind whips around you and as you stand on the edge of the rocky cliff you can't help but wonder who all may have stood here in settlers times or who may have crossed in the valley below.

I never anticipated to one day photograph precious memories at weddings, be goofy to make little children giggle and smile in front of my lens, nor did I forsee entering Texas-wide photography competitions and being gifted ribbons for photos. I truly was oblivious and just found simple joy in capturing and capturing again.

It was not till a months later that I began my obsession with learning about photography and the intricacies of reading, observing and understanding the colors and patterns of light. I spent countless hours watching webinars by photographers and editors, writing pages and pages of notes, began an instagram, a 365 project ( a photo per day for a year) and discovered that photographers gather online in all sorts of communities. I also discovered that photography isn't just a hobby, it's a job for a lot of people. 

At 15, I set out to be the best photographer I could be and with the help of repetition, photographing all sorts of objects, scenes, and portraits, and my 365 project, I practiced my art daily. It became natural to adjust setting in manual mode, and at the same time it became harder and harder to imagine never not doing photography. 

I am a creative soul by nature with interests ranging from needlework, sewing and quilting, to cooking, painting and cooking. Photography became my icing on the top, my routine and my outlet in expressing my emotions. It was more than a hobby. It was therapy. I went through a lot of dark times as a teen, and mentally my photography was my escape.

I'm sharing this with you to give you a glimpse at some of the beginning. I started small, with little point and shoot cameras. I haven't ended, but I am in a different season where I don't pick up my camera as I used to (which I fondly call "my baby" and am thankful to have saved up and purchased, because full frame, higher resolution cameras are ahhhhmayzing!). It's been almost seven years since I first picked up my Nana's camera and began my fascination with nature photography. As I sit here typing this I marvel at how many hours I have spent over these last seven years practicing, educating myself and being hired to do photography. I would say it's been a rough ride. I've hit many roadblocks, and my ideas are not always great, but in the end I am glad that my teen dreams of photography fame are not reality. Those were based on loneliness and feeling empty, hoping that in the end fame or being a name people new would change something. I'm so grateful for my resilience to "just keep swimming", and the incredible support of all of my friends and family who have believed in my art, my business and most of all, my creativity and ability to capture memories.

As my siblings and I wandered around the bluff at my Nana's, we stumbled upon beautiful wildflowers and trees covered in bright green leaves. It was a nature feast for the eyes, with the wind picking up, gray clouds rolling in suddenly to cover the sunshine and a calm quiet broken only by occasional birds and our laughter. 

It was beautiful, in a real and raw way. It brought memories of my eight-year-old-self running around in this very spot, picking wildflowers for the vase on the table, bringing my school books to read in our windproof hut we built a around the giant multiple trunks of an old live oak tree by stuffing straw through woven sticks. It was a masterpiece of a hide out, and the tree still stands with its young cedars and bushes surrounding, making a little sheltered spot overlooking the landscape to the west. 

Sometimes deer spend their time on this land, leisurely grazing or taking a walk across it from the woods to the grasslands. It's a place of memories. Some I recall with genuine nostalgia of my wild and crazy ways as a child, and some with pinches of pain. No season of life is without its valleys amongst the mountaintops.

one of the largest live oak trees on the place. it is bigger than a house, and boasts a whole collection of trunks coming out of its one root base.

and all of a sudden the weather changed. all it took was five minutes.

The amounts of fossils one can obtain here are never ending. Seriously, the entire ground is fossilized sea shells (hints of a flood anyone?! ;) ) and we have found large conch looking shells nearly the size of a dinner plate! It's not uncommon to find shells one recognizes the shape of, only they're no longer shells, but solid rocks. Grass finds is especially hard to thrive here, but thrive it does in patches and cracks. It always amazes me how intricate the ground I am walking on is.

I started my journey photographing this pink rose bush. Though is has sadly decreased in size, there was a bud on it and I instantly had to photograph it. The countless photos of pink roses I have from years ago... oh yikes, it's a lot!

Did you know that hummingbirds come back to the same feeding spots year after year?

There are hummingbird feeders all around the house, and they have to get refilled constantly. I mean it. 

There are literally swarms of hummingbirds at any given time of day, fighting over who get's which feeder, flying from feeder to trees and back again. It only takes a minute or two of sitting or standing still and they come right up and feast. I photographed them, or attempted to, many times in the past, but this time I found photographing them almost like a game, changing my settings ever so slightly to achieve blurred wings or the occasional capture of clear feathers distinguished in their hovering flight. Humming birds are so fun to photograph! Maybe on of these days I will rent a macro or a zoom lens and be able to get much closer than I can with my 50mm lens.

Nature takes me back to embracing bright colors, seeing plants as giant textured subjects and remembering to step in super close to get those details I so easily pass by.

I photographed this pine tree when it was but three or so feet tall back then. It is now as tall as the house, if not more, and it reminds me that I grew too. I added a few inches to my height since then, but I also grew in maturity, knowledge, experience and so many other areas. I grew more that I may ever see, but I feel like this pine tree that seemed to grow in the blink of an eye. Seven years have gone by faster than I ever imagined, that's for sure!

We ended our time with several matches of badmitton, which was incessantly interrupted by the wind blowing our shuttlecock one way or another. whoops!

I learned a lot by slowing down, holding my camera and choosing to look for the details. I chose to go slow, pause to take photographs, pause to take in the scene before me and then create art with it. I didn't see myself enjoying it so much, but by the end my cup of creative joy was quite full. Going back to the beginning and not overthinking things helped me to adjust my focus (pun intended haha) and just look at what was around me.

I hope that by these pieces of my thoughts and memories you found that sometimes it doesn't come loudly. It can come in small whispers of the wind causing the grass to dance and the wildflowers to bow their heads under the pressure. It can come late at night when you can't sleep and you lay in the dark wondering why nights seem endlessly long. 

Sometimes I need to take a step back. 

Sometimes I need to slow down.

Sometimes I need to give myself grace instead of expecting perfection.

Sometimes the journey is messy, but that's okay.

Sometimes I need to realize that there is still beauty in the ordinary and the mundane should I choose to look for it. 

An Easy Spring Brunch / Happy Mother's Day 2020

Happy Mother's Day! I can't believe its already mid-May, where has the time gone?!

A two months ago I was dreading possible quarantine, and here I am after seven weeks at home in Texas and quite honestly the time has flown by. There is never a dull moment around here, that's for sure!

As I scrolled through a bit of my instagram feed today, I realized just how many families, friends and homes love to have a beautiful brunch on Mother's Day morning. I have never thought about having a tradition on Mother's Day. Some holidays have always somehow slipped on by with barely an acknowledgement or a nod of recognition. 

This year, I was awakened to the fact that Mother's Day was closer than I thought... ahem, I mean, I was reminded that it even happens to be a holiday in the middle of May... and so resolved to make this one a little extra, bright and special for my dear mama who truly is the most incredible woman I know.

I find it positively lovely to create opportunities to celebrate someone I love, especially when it involves preparing food, arranging it and watching that loved one walk in to the dining room with the biggest smile on their face in this part of Texas!

Yesterday, when an opportunity arose, I brought my proposition to the table (pun intended as we were literally sitting around our dining room table!) and explained my idea to my siblings. It took a while of discussing logistical procedures and possibilities  to come up with a plan we agreed upon. (yes, we get super technical and like to intensely discuss pros and cons of proposed situations and occasions [what a mouthful of words. whew])

Cinnamon rolls, yogurt and fruit were the winners and so my older sister and I prepared a batch of cinnamon roll dough without our mama's knowledge yesterday evening, let it rise, forgot about it for a few hours (whoops classic "us" moment) and then came back to it at almost 11pm to roll it out. We covered it in cinnamon sugar and butter (mmmmmmm) and then formed it into a new, easy and definitely faster form to create a twisted cinnamon roll loaf. I'd say it was messy in the moment, and I was a tad nervous that it wouldn't turn out pretty, but we had taste in our favor so in the refrigerator it went overnight. 

While I ran to the store early this morning to grab some fresh fruit and yogurt, the "loaf" began its rising outside of the fridge and started looking far too delicious for its own good. I am not a huge cinnamon roll lover, hence my desire to try a new shape. I'm just not a fan of lots of thick crusty dough and a little soft spot in the middle of the roll. I was hoping by forming it this way, we could hold onto twists and rolls of dough and cinnamon sugar while not exposing as much dough during baking so that more of it would be soft and gooey. Who wants a dryish sort of cinnamon roll anyways?!

When I got back from the grocery store, I popped it into the oven and began decorating the table, arranging the flowers, and chopping fruit. I was loving all the fun colors and shapes and it was so enjoyable to set up the table in bright colors and textures. I got some canned peaches and granola to add to the yogurt and fruit bowls and they were a hit! Canned peaches are a treat in our house and especially delicious with unsweetened greek yogurt or homemade whipped cream. Try it sometime! You won't be disappointed!

Once the table was set and fruit, yogurt, granola and a few other toppings I thought might be delicious were all set out, my sister made a cream cheese icing to top the cinnamon roll loaf with. MMMmm.

I arranged some flowers for my mama and set them out along with her card and then we waited on the cinnamon roll loaf to finish baking...

When it came out of the oven, golden and making the whole room smell like cinnamon.... mmm... we all enjoyed a lengthy brunch. It was delicious and refreshing to balance the sweet and rich cinnamon roll loaf with yogurt and fruit. 

Twisting it and putting it into a pie dish to form a loaf of sorts definitely kept the inside really soft and retained the gooey texture I love! Just like the inside core part of a cinnamon roll.

It was delicious!! 

I am definitely going to try this way of making cinnamon rolls again! If you would like for me to document how it is made and share the recipe, please comment below and let me know! If you have ever tried something like this before let me know! I love hearing how you modify recipes and make them you own.

Happy Mother's day! Celebrating special days on the calendar can be simply taking a bit of time to create something meaningful. 

I love the way we can prepare meals and spaces for us to feel welcomed and loved. 

To my Mama, 

Thank you for the way you love us unconditionally, exemplify loving and putting Jesus first and showing me over and over how meaningful honesty and intentionality is. You are a prayer warrior and you mother people in such a real way. You steward souls beautifully, and you are my best friend. Thank you for raising me to aim high, work hard, enjoy the little things and pursue what makes me come alive. Thank you for all of the sacrifices you have made for us and for choosing to persevere. You are my inspiration, greatest hero and I will never stop thinking the thought I remember having when I was a little girl - "I want to grow up to be like my mama." Thank you for raising my wild, stubborn and colorful self. I love you!

taking a step into the unknown / welcome to my new blog!

sometimes things become clearer as we take a step into the unknown.

And here I would say, let's insert a pause, and then, on cue: my little sister singing Frozen II's "Into The Unknown" at the top of her lungs as she washes dinner dishes on a balmy spring evening in April. She loves Frozen a lot, and knows the lyrics by heart. Singing out of tune never phases her, although she does her best to keep up with the melodic up and down of the tune, never once thinking twice about what someone might think as she gets caught up in the song.
I tend to wonder what my life was like at her age. Did I belt songs while doing the dinner dishes too?! {it was my job at that time of my life, I do remember that part clearly...}

A lot of things are foggy in my mind, causing me to be frustrated and for sure bringing up questioning whether my memory is fading in some areas, or if I just can't pull those memories right now. I tend to overanalyze things, and overthink myself.

Eucalyptus Woods - The Big Island, Hawaii

Maybe I am not so good at pulling memories out of my mental library anymore.
Maybe I am tired, weary of trying to look like I'm "making it" when on the inside I am falling apart.
Maybe there is a part of me that doesn't care, doesn't want to dig memories from the shelves of files.
> And to answer your unspoken question, yes, yes - I do have a mental library that I picture in my head with files and books and albums of memories all sorted by year and category... <

I am tired.
I wish I could go back to that line and erase it letter by letter, and then replace it with a jubilant "I am so ready to take on the world!". But, in order to be honest I must say it outright and let it stare back at me on this page.
I am tired.

I'm 21 years old, and far, far, farrrr from a place where I feel as though "I should be tired", which in turn, once again makes me wonder how I got here.
Was it that one time I decided to work as many retail store hours as a cashier as possible, hoping to scrape together a savings to launch a photography business with ideas of becoming the next "as seen in.." entrepreneur, known for whatever you can think of putting in that blank? Was it then, when I slept weird hours, often few and fitful ones, ate meals at weird times and often considered busyness as an excuse for poor eating habits? Was it late at night when I couldn't sleep for all the dreams and ideas I had in my head and my grand plans of doing everything I could imagine perfectly, successfully the first time I tried it? Was it then?
I could go on, and on trying to figure out what particular time of my life 'made me' say "I am tired" with brutal honesty.

Would it be helpful? Quite possibly. Would I benefit from looking at past seasons and looking for ways in which to learn and grow from them? Again, quite possibly, and truly I would.
Though, at this stage I enter once more with my honesty and say, I am tired. Tired of striving.

I dislike looking tired, lethargic, weary or listless.
It's almost like I have an unspoken code in my brain that says in big bold letters 'DO NOT LET THEM SEE THE WAY IT REALLY IS'.
It's hard, keeping up a facade. I perfected my mask for years as a teen, hoping people would like me better if I became more this or that and less of who I had always been and really was deep down inside. It was crippling. It was lonely, oh so lonely.

I began this collection of sentences with a phrase.
sometimes things become clearer as we take a step into the unknown.
All of this is a part of my journey of stepping into unknown waters and trusting a God I had never truly known personally, to hold me up. I have walked this particular part of the journey for three years now, a glorious adventure, not without its valleys and shadowed paths where not even the stars at night brought hope.
I took a step into the unknown, a step of faith and a step so scary I never dreamed of ever encountering it.
I took a step of trust and truth, peeling off my mask, my facade of having it all together and finding peace with myself to be myself.
I took a step of discovery, challenging myself to look forward and stop clinging to the past and letting myself be curious about life again.
I took a step towards joy, and began to repent and seek healing for areas of bitterness, pride and envy that had so long bound me from carefree laughter and that sparkle I longed to feel as I had as a little girl.
I took a step towards Jesus, and away from my sin. I said yes to Him, and began a journey of getting to know Him.

I took a step into an unknown future, and though that step have experienced, traveled, grown, matured and learned far more than I could have ever dreamed for myself. That's saying a lot, since my mind never stops dreaming and is always imagining what incredible way I could go next.
His ways are so much higher than mine.

I pray that as I begin this journey of writing down my musings, sharing my story and those of others, that you would be encouraged, challenged and above all inspired to take a second look at your life and realize there is more to be thankful and in awe about than we ever could have imagined. I know I am going to be realizing so many moments I may have overlooked in my fast-paced life that were moments of change, restoration, healing and abundant joy.
I cannot help but type with a smile on my face. Even now I feel as though I am on a cliff, looking at a marvelous view with a breeze in my hair and the smell of the ocean coming up from the surf below. There is beauty to be had in the wilderness of our lives, and I am on a mission to find it and record it.

Thank you for being a part of my journey.

Now I'm off to drink my Russian Tarragon tea, which is known as an herb with medicinal properties to aid sleep. Yes, I just wrote that off the top of my head, and yes, we have it growing in our garden.
I do love my herbs, so maybe I'll ad tidbits of fun information here and there... depending on what I'm using at the moment. But right now, I am going to sip my tea and hopefully fall asleep quickly...

Mud Lane - The Big Island, Hawaii