taking a step into the unknown / welcome to my new blog!

sometimes things become clearer as we take a step into the unknown.

And here I would say, let's insert a pause, and then, on cue: my little sister singing Frozen II's "Into The Unknown" at the top of her lungs as she washes dinner dishes on a balmy spring evening in April. She loves Frozen a lot, and knows the lyrics by heart. Singing out of tune never phases her, although she does her best to keep up with the melodic up and down of the tune, never once thinking twice about what someone might think as she gets caught up in the song.
I tend to wonder what my life was like at her age. Did I belt songs while doing the dinner dishes too?! {it was my job at that time of my life, I do remember that part clearly...}

A lot of things are foggy in my mind, causing me to be frustrated and for sure bringing up questioning whether my memory is fading in some areas, or if I just can't pull those memories right now. I tend to overanalyze things, and overthink myself.

Eucalyptus Woods - The Big Island, Hawaii

Maybe I am not so good at pulling memories out of my mental library anymore.
Maybe I am tired, weary of trying to look like I'm "making it" when on the inside I am falling apart.
Maybe there is a part of me that doesn't care, doesn't want to dig memories from the shelves of files.
> And to answer your unspoken question, yes, yes - I do have a mental library that I picture in my head with files and books and albums of memories all sorted by year and category... <

I am tired.
I wish I could go back to that line and erase it letter by letter, and then replace it with a jubilant "I am so ready to take on the world!". But, in order to be honest I must say it outright and let it stare back at me on this page.
I am tired.

I'm 21 years old, and far, far, farrrr from a place where I feel as though "I should be tired", which in turn, once again makes me wonder how I got here.
Was it that one time I decided to work as many retail store hours as a cashier as possible, hoping to scrape together a savings to launch a photography business with ideas of becoming the next "as seen in.." entrepreneur, known for whatever you can think of putting in that blank? Was it then, when I slept weird hours, often few and fitful ones, ate meals at weird times and often considered busyness as an excuse for poor eating habits? Was it late at night when I couldn't sleep for all the dreams and ideas I had in my head and my grand plans of doing everything I could imagine perfectly, successfully the first time I tried it? Was it then?
I could go on, and on trying to figure out what particular time of my life 'made me' say "I am tired" with brutal honesty.

Would it be helpful? Quite possibly. Would I benefit from looking at past seasons and looking for ways in which to learn and grow from them? Again, quite possibly, and truly I would.
Though, at this stage I enter once more with my honesty and say, I am tired. Tired of striving.

I dislike looking tired, lethargic, weary or listless.
It's almost like I have an unspoken code in my brain that says in big bold letters 'DO NOT LET THEM SEE THE WAY IT REALLY IS'.
It's hard, keeping up a facade. I perfected my mask for years as a teen, hoping people would like me better if I became more this or that and less of who I had always been and really was deep down inside. It was crippling. It was lonely, oh so lonely.

I began this collection of sentences with a phrase.
sometimes things become clearer as we take a step into the unknown.
All of this is a part of my journey of stepping into unknown waters and trusting a God I had never truly known personally, to hold me up. I have walked this particular part of the journey for three years now, a glorious adventure, not without its valleys and shadowed paths where not even the stars at night brought hope.
I took a step into the unknown, a step of faith and a step so scary I never dreamed of ever encountering it.
I took a step of trust and truth, peeling off my mask, my facade of having it all together and finding peace with myself to be myself.
I took a step of discovery, challenging myself to look forward and stop clinging to the past and letting myself be curious about life again.
I took a step towards joy, and began to repent and seek healing for areas of bitterness, pride and envy that had so long bound me from carefree laughter and that sparkle I longed to feel as I had as a little girl.
I took a step towards Jesus, and away from my sin. I said yes to Him, and began a journey of getting to know Him.

I took a step into an unknown future, and though that step have experienced, traveled, grown, matured and learned far more than I could have ever dreamed for myself. That's saying a lot, since my mind never stops dreaming and is always imagining what incredible way I could go next.
His ways are so much higher than mine.

I pray that as I begin this journey of writing down my musings, sharing my story and those of others, that you would be encouraged, challenged and above all inspired to take a second look at your life and realize there is more to be thankful and in awe about than we ever could have imagined. I know I am going to be realizing so many moments I may have overlooked in my fast-paced life that were moments of change, restoration, healing and abundant joy.
I cannot help but type with a smile on my face. Even now I feel as though I am on a cliff, looking at a marvelous view with a breeze in my hair and the smell of the ocean coming up from the surf below. There is beauty to be had in the wilderness of our lives, and I am on a mission to find it and record it.

Thank you for being a part of my journey.

Now I'm off to drink my Russian Tarragon tea, which is known as an herb with medicinal properties to aid sleep. Yes, I just wrote that off the top of my head, and yes, we have it growing in our garden.
I do love my herbs, so maybe I'll ad tidbits of fun information here and there... depending on what I'm using at the moment. But right now, I am going to sip my tea and hopefully fall asleep quickly...